Monday, September 30, 2013

Bikini Pirates (2006)

AKA: Harlots of the Caribbean

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Composer: ??? (maybe it's stock music?)

Starring: Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Beverly Lynne, Randy Spears, Evan Stone, Rebecca Love, Cassie Young

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Looking for a few good men.

Plot: While scuba diving, Jill's boyfriend Dustin finds a doubloon necklace and the diary of Morganna, a pirate who sailed the coast 200 years ago. With the diary is a treasure map that takes them and their friends Susan and Joe to a mountain cabin. Before setting out in search of the treasure, the four hold a séance using instructions they find in the diary. It brings Morganna and her mate, Captain Tygus, back to life. It's a race for the treasure. Morganna and Tygus will stop at nothing.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? No.

You may recognize star Nicole Sheridan from such films as HAND JOB HUNNIES 2 or RUB THE MUFF 2 or FAST TIMES AT DEEP CRACK HIGH 2 (personally I thought the first film wrapped up nicely, avoiding the need for a sequel) or DEEP THROAT THIS! or TOO HOT FOR SHOES! or LESBIAN BIG BOOB BANGEROO 3 or DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: THE REVENGE or CUM BUCKETS! 4 or ALL ASS BLOWOUT 1 (I reckon they had the confidence to name it '1', anticipating it would do well enough to make sequels) or TOP NOTCH BITCHES 5 or CREAM PIE BEAUTIES or SPREADING MY SEED or FILTHY MILFS or KUNG FU GOO or BIG TITS IN SPORTS.  Regardless, it should be clear by now that she gets naked...a lot.  But in case you don't know her, she looks like this...


and she has simulated sex with this man, Voodoo, star of such films as HOT ANAL INJECTION 2 and YOUR MOM CAN STICK THIS UP HER ASS...


Can you believe this man puts his dick in vaginas?

The flick starts out with Jill (Sheridan) and Dustin (Voodoo) makin' it in the shower.






Money from Home (1953)

Director: George Marshall

Writers: Hal Kanter, James B. Allardice, Damon Runyon

Composer: Leigh Harline

Starring: Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, Marjie Millar, Pat Crowley, Richard Haydn, Robert Strauss, Gerald Mohr, Sheldon Leonard, Romo Vincent, Jack Kruschen

More info: IMDb

Plot: Herman owes a lot of gambling debts. To pay them off, he promises the mob he'll fix a horse, so that it does not run. He intends to trick his animal-loving cousin, Virgil, an apprentice veterinarian, into helping him. Of course, he doesn't tell Virgil what he is really up to. Mistaken identities are assumed, while along the way, Virgil meets a female vet and Herman falls for the owner of the horse. Goons and mobsters are also lurking around; so beware!



My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

Did I see their best film?  I don't know why Martin & Lewis movies get shit on all the time.  I loved it.   I laughed my ass off.  To be fair, though, I did see this in a theater and in its original 3D presentation which was fantastic.  The 3D was outstanding (it was one of two 3D movies shot in three-strip Technicolor).  Did the depth add to the story?  No but it was cool as shit.  Dean Martin is all kinds of cool rolled up into one smooth package.  He's great.  And Jerry Lewis (yes, he's really silly) is hilarious.  I sat in awe watching him, bigger than life on that giant screen, as he masterfully works his magic.  Look, say what you will about Lewis but the man was a master craftsman in comedy.  I paid particular attention to his movements and his timing is stunning.  The scene where he's pulling a Cyrano de Bergerac with Martin, singing to Martin's girl to woo her back is stupendously funny. After the film, actress Pat Crowley (now in her 80s) spoke about her experience and did a Q&A.  The performances are even more impressive when you discover that most every scene is the first take.  Wow.  Try doing that today and see what happens.  Do you appreciate M&L more now?  I do.




Sunday, September 29, 2013

Gone with the Pope (1976/2010)

Director: Duke Mitchell

Writer: Duke Mitchell

Composers: Dominico Salvatora Miceli (Duke Mitchell), Jeffrey Mitchell, Chris Vizzi, Christopher Young

Starring: Duke Mitchell, Lorenzo Dardado, Jim LoBianco, Peter Milo, John Murgia, Giorgio Tavolieri, Jeanne Hibbard, Bill Boyd, John Bruno, Carl Cocomo, Paul DiAmico, Steve DiBiaso, Nola Hand, Jeffrey Mitchell, Zep Mizner, Joe Virzi

More info: IMDb

Tagline: You're either in, or you're in the way!

Plot: Duke Mitchell stars as Paul, a gangster with an unholy scheme: to kidnap the pope and charge "a dollar from every Catholic in the world" as the ransom.



My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again? Oh, yeah, and again, and again...that is, if they ever fucking release this sumbitch on DVD.

Featured on Stephen Romano Presents Shock Festival (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

The other night I had the privilege to see this on the second half of a double bill with the outrageous AN AMERICAN HIPPIE IN ISRAEL (1972) at the Beverly Cinema in L.A..  Wow. What a double feature.  I'd never heard of HIPPIE but I'd sure had a few years of hearing about POPE and I was a gushing fanboy waiting to explode when the lights dimmed and the music started. I'd seen the trailer countless times.  I've shown it to my friends almost as many.  It's a great trailer and if you've seen Duke's other film, MASSACRE MAFIA STYLE (1974), then you've got an idea of what you're in for.  I LOVE that movie so I was primed and ready to receive the only other thing Duke directed.  Wait, that didn't sound right.


Duke Mitchel doesn't pull any punches.  He's a force of nature.  He's all over the place and he doesn't care what people think.  This picture, like MMS, is vulgar, crass and racist.  It's also funny as hell and it's got heart.  It's got some slow spots but I think some of that might go away for me on repeat viewings.  I can't emphasize how great the trailer is.  There's a mess of great trivia at IMDb that talks a bit about the struggle to get this film complete.  At the time of Duke's death in 1981 he hadn't completed editing the picture. He had a 3 hour work print.  Years later his son discovered this but 4 reels of the workprint were missing (about 40 minutes).  For 15 years Grindhouse Releasing worked on cutting the film to what it is today from that workprint, negatives, notes (there wasn't a script), etc. and it was finally released in 2010 where it has toured the country in select theaters.


Five years ago I saw MMS for the first time and I was blown away at how raw and unforgiving it was.  I came to that film after seeing multiple time the trailer for BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA (1952) and wanting to know who these Martin & Lewis lookalikes were.  And here we are.  It's 2013 and there's still no DVD release of GWTP.  Now more than ever I NEED TO OWN THIS.  Hell, I'd settle for a bare bones, movie only release at this point.  This is a movie that needs to be out there and not just one night stands a few times a year if you happen to be near the city it's being shown (that is, if you even hear about it.)  Bob from GR did a Q&A between the films only about HIPPIE.  I was disappointed that they didn't do the same with this one.  Hey, at least I finally got to see the fucker, right?

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Lady in White (1988)

Director: Frank LaLogia

Writer: Frank LaLogia

Composer: Frank LaLogia

Starring: Lukas Haas, Len Cariou, Alex Rocco, Katherine Helmond, Jason Presson, Renata Vanni, Angelo Bertolini, Joelle Jacobi, Jared Rushton

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The year is 1962. The place is Willowpoint Falls. Nobody talks about what happened in the school cloakroom 10 years ago. Now, in the dead of night, Frankie Scarlatti is going to find out why.

Plot: Locked in a school closet during Halloween 1962, young Frank witnesses the ghost of a young girl and the man who murdered her years ago. Shortly afterward he finds himself stalked by the killer and is soon drawn to an old house where a mysterious Lady In White lives. As he discovers the secret of the woman he soon finds that the killer may be someone close to him.



My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

 Well color me surprised.  Here's a well-acted, scripted, directed ghost story that really works.  It's more for kids but don't show it to them too early because it can get pretty scary for the tots during that final fifteen minutes.  The ending seems to keep ending and keep going but it's not a deal killer.  The shooting of a certain someone is devastating.  It's interesting how this picture was able to successfully and powerfully working racial injustice.  It was very effectively handled. I'm shocked that this is his second and final film.  What happened to this guy?  Based on this film he had a very promising career ahead of him.  Who knows.  It's a shame he never returned to film.  He had something here.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Where Have All the People Gone (1974)

Director: John Llewellyn Moxey

Writers: Lewis John Carlino, Sandor Stern

Composer: Robert Prince

Starring: Peter Graves, George O'Hanlon Jr., Kathleen Quinlan, Verna Bloom, Michael-James Wixted, Noble Willingham, Jay W. MacIntosh, Doug Chapin, Ken Sansom, Beans Morocco

More info: IMDb


Plot: A strange series of solar flares proves fatal for inhabitants of the Earth, except for the fortunate few who are somehow immune from the effects. Animals go insane and human beings turn to white powder, leaving behind only empty clothing. A handful of survivors attempt to rebuild their lives on the de-populated Earth.



My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

If you're judging this as a sci-fi TV movie from the mid-70s, it's not so bad.  The acting, production, music, etc is exactly what you'd expect from TV at that time.  It takes a while for everyone to figure out this shit wasn't going down because of a nuclear holocaust but rater solar flares which made more sense but what didn't was that people who died from went from flesh and bone to a pile of white dust.  That was weird but then this is science fiction, heavy on the fiction.  Peter Graves was never a master thespian and his deliver reminded me a lot of AIRPLANE! (1980) but without the funny.  This is a mild way to pass 72 minutes.  It'd be worth it if I saw this when it aired and had some nostalgia about it but I don't.



Thursday, September 26, 2013

Where Eagles Dare (1968)

Director: Brian G. Hutton

Writer: Alistair MacLean

Composer: Ron Goodwin

Starring: Richard Burton, Clint Eastwood, Mary Ure, Patrick Wymark, Michael Hordem, Donald Houston, Peter Barkworth, William Squire, Robert Beatty, Anton Diffring, Ingrid Pitt

More info: IMDb

Tagline: They look like Nazis but . . . The Major is British . . . The Lieutenant is American . . . The Beautiful Frauleins are Allied Agents!

Plot: During WW2 a British aircraft is shot down and crashes in Nazi held territory. The Germans capture the only survivor, an American General, and take him to the nearest SS headquarters. Unknown to the Germans the General has full knowledge of the D-Day operation. The British decide that the General must not be allowed to divulge any details of the Normandy landing at all cost and order Major John Smith to lead a crack commando team to rescue him. Amongst the team is an American Ranger, Lieutenant Schaffer, who is puzzled by his inclusion in an all British operation. When one of the team dies after the parachute drop, Schaffer suspects that Smith's mission has a much more secret objective.



My rating: 9/10

Will I watch it again? Absolutely.

Oh, what I would give to see this on a crazy big theater screen.  The opening alone is amazing and with the ominous score by Ron Goodwin, it's got to be a great theatrical experience.  I remember watching this on VHS as a kid dreaming of what it must look like in widescreen.  Years later I had the laser disc and then I was dreaming of what it must look like on something larger than a 32" TV.  Now the 60" isn't cutting it.  A little while after watching this (I'm a little behind, see?) I upgraded to an 82" but that's not enough.  The 105" projector screen is calling me and I might have to give it another shot.  I love this movie.  It doesn't get old.  It looks great, feels great (I love the cold castle setting, and those colors at night are wonderful), sounds great (can't get enough of that great score), the cast is great (Richard Burton could ramble about anything and I'd listen), and the action is great.  The ending...OK, the ending gets a little ridiculous with all of the deception and a TON of exposition in the plane ride but I love it.  I don't care if it's long winded; it's a whole mess of fun.  A big WWII actioner with everything going for it and then that one guy's fate.  WOW.  Nice.  







Tarzan's Three Challenges (1963)

Director: Robert Day

Writers: Robert Day, Bernie Giler

Composer: Joseph Horovitz

Starring: Jock Mahoney, Woody Strode, Tsu Kobayashi, Earl Cameron, Anthony Chinn, Salah Jamal, Robert Hu, Christopher Carlos, Ricker Der, George Pastell, Hungry the Elephant

More info: IMDb

Tagline: CHALLENGE ON THE NET OF DEATH!

Plot: Tarzan travels to the Far East at the request of a dying leader to escort his replacement, a young boy named Kashi, to the capital for his investiture. The dying man has reason to fear for Kashi's safety. His brother Khan believes that it is his son who should sit on the throne and is prepared to do whatever it takes to accomplish that. Tarzan faces many challenges as he must first convince the monks who have been educating Kashi that he is in fact Tarzan. With that out of the way, Tarzan and Kashi are attacked on the way to the capital by Khan and his men. When they finally make it to the capital, Khan invokes the right of a fourth and final test to confirm the boy as the legitimate heir: a fight to the death with his champion, Tarzan. Only one will survive.



My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Probably.

Gee, I wonder who wins the big fight at the end.  Hmmmmm. After watching the previous Tarzan picture yesterday, TARZAN GOES TO INDIA (1962), and it was a pretty good one, I slapped Mahoney's next and last go 'round as the loin-clothed one.  It's got a little bit of action early on but...


It turns to spectacle and light drama/adventure as Tarzan escorts the chosen one to his destination.  As per usual with the late 50s/60s Tarzan pictures, the scenery is wonderful and it must have been a fantastic time at the movies for young boys and girls dreaming of adventure all those years ago.  I'd love to see these in a theater with some corn and Coke.


I was diggin' the movie alright (about a 6.5/10) when the big fight between Tarzan and Khan began.  They're initially tied together with a four or five foot length of rope but they soon cut themselves free and go through all kinds of challenges to meet up at end where there's going to be a most unusual duel to the death, that is, if they make it that far alive.


They do, of course, and you just know Tarzan is going to win.  Look at what they have to do!  If the fall, it's curtains as there are several huge vats of boiling liquid underneath them.  This is some serious friggin' fight!


SPOILERS OF THE JUNGLE!!! YARRRRRRRR!!!

Tarzan is able to make Khan slip. Kahn is hanging beneath the rope inches from death.  Now normally in a situation like this the hero (especially a guy like Tarzan) would help the guy up and the bad dude would be grateful enough to change his ways or something lame like that but not in this picture.  Nope.  Tarzan starts bouncing up and down causing Kahn to lose his grip and fall to his death in the boiling whatevers below.  FUCKIN' A!!!


END OF SPOILERS!!!   YARRRRRRR!!!!

Because of that and the kick ass fight sequence at the end that lasted a good 10 minutes, this picture just got kicked up a notch on the score and it's definitely a must watch sometime down the line.  Only the next time it won't be some shitty taped off of TV copy, it'll be the real deal.  If Warner Bros. Archive DVDs didn't cost so damned much I'd get it.  $20 is just too much for a film that might get a couple of plays before you die.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Devil's Three (1979)

Original Title: Pay or Die

Director: Bobby A. Suarez

Writers: Bobby A. Suarez, Dick Adair, Joseph Zucchero

Composers: Gene Kauer, Douglas M. Lackey

Starring: Marie Lee, Franco Guerrero, Florence Carvajal, Johnny Wilson, Dick Adair, Cynthia Rodrigo, Ted Deelman, Lauro Flores, Jennie Perez, Joe Cunanan, Nesty Mercado

More info: IMDb

Tagline: It's fight back - or crawl back

Plot: When drug lord Lucifer Devlin's own men kidnap his daughter and hold her for ransom, he's forced to call his arch nemesis, high-kicking Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong. Wong, with the help of a flamboyantly gay kung fu master and a 300 lb. psychic wonder named "Rotunda", kicks mucho butt, blows stuff up and kicks more butt.



My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

This is the first sequel to CLEOPATRA WONG (1978) and the only one in the CW trilogy I've seen so far.  I hope the rest aren't as silly as this one because that was the film's biggest turn off.  I don't mind comedy and action but this one put too much emphasis on the comedy.  There are some funny bits but it gets old when you see the 300 pound woman eating in most of her scenes (or chewing).  Rotunda (Carvajal) has her moments, though.






There's another scene where she climbs across a rope between two buildings.  Now that would be cool if they showed a wide shot of her and the buildings but it was always a closeup of her hands and face.  She did break the rope and swing through a cinder block wall (and it was really her - no edits) which was neat. The gay guy was in flamer mode the entire time and I mean extreme stereotype flaming homomode which got annoying after five minutes.  Lee as Cleopatra Wong was fun.  She's a great action actress.  Her kung fu skills are much better than mine.

The music accentuates the comedy which is already too much to begin with.  Because of this, it's not nearly as fun as it should or wants to be.  There's probably a lot of folks out there that will disagree but for me it's just average silly action at best.  It doesn't come close to the king of Philippine action, FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY (1981).  Weng Weng rules!

Cuban Rebel Girls (1959)

Director: Barry Mahon

Writer: Errol Flynn

Composer: ???

Starring: Errol Flynn, Beverly Aadland, John McKay, Jackie Jackler, Marie Edmund, Ben Ostrowsky, Reynerio Sanchez, Andres Fernandez, Esther Oliva, Tod Scott Brody, Allen Baron, Clelle Mahon, Ramon Ramierez

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Flynn's Latest! A dramatic moment in his mad dash thru life...bursting with romance and adventure!

Plot: Errol Flynn, playing himself as a war correspondent, helps Fidel Castro overthrow Cuban dictator Batista. The film was shot, with Castro's cooperation, while he was still fighting Batista.



My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Barry Mahon was a fighter pilot in WWII and, after being shot down, his new residence as a P.O.W. was at Stalag Luft III, the one you know from THE GREAT ESCAPE (1963) and he helped dig one of the tunnels used in the famous escape.  Steve McQueen's role in that picture is based on Mahon!!! After the war he became Errol Flynn's personal pilot and manager.  Think about that for a moment. Errol Flynn was the world's most adventurous movie star.  Of course he's going to have someone with badass credentials like Mahon working for him as his personal pilot and manager.  It's seems Mahon was a better Nazi killer and prison camp escapee than he was at helming this picture.



OK, that might seem a tad harsh but in fairness, it's not that good of a picture.  Lead actress, Beverly Aadland, was only 17 at the time (two years into her affair with the then 50 year old Flynn!!! Do the math, he was fucking her at 15!) and it's clear she doesn't have the acting chops worthy of an Errol Flynn picture but then she delivers what you'd expect for a forgettable low budget B picture which is exactly what this is.  The difference is Errol Flynn, one of the biggest movie stars ever, wrote, starred and narrates it.  That's all.  And being how it's Flynn, it comes as no surprise that it's called Cuban Rebel Girls, focusing on the gals instead of, well, any other aspect of the Cuban resistance led by Fidel Castro.


The picture is probably filled with people of varying talents ranging from very little acting experience to no acting experience.  It plays exactly like a low to no budget action movie of the 50s would except that it's filmed entirely in Cuba before Castro took power and the United States placed an embargo that holds to this day.  It's a curiosity mostly because of Flynn's involvement AND because it was the last film he made before his death later that year.  Ever since I saw THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD (1938) as a kid (my favorite action movie of all time second only to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)) I've been a huge fan of Flynn.  His off screen persona was equaled only by his on screen characters.  He was as dashing and as charismatic as they came.  In this picture he's 50 and he looks at least a decade older.  His adventurous life of booze, drugs, whoring and real life action had taken its toll and it shows.  But, underneath that tired voice and worn face was still the amazing Errol Flynn, a man who lived his life as he chose and as the world expected, and I can't fault him for that.



Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tarzan Goes to India (1962)

Director: John Guillermin

Writers: Robert Hardy Andrews, John Guillermin

Composer: Ken Jones

Starring: Jock Mahoney, Jai the Elephant Boy, Leo Gordon, Mark Dana, Feroz Khan, Simi Garewal, Murad, Jagdish Raj, G. Raghaven, Aaron Joseph, Abas Khan, Pehelwan Ameer, K.S. Tripathi, Peter Cooke, Denis Bastian

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The King of the Jungle finds new adventure in a new land in a fabulous filmed on-location spectacle in mystic India!

Plot: Summoned by an Indian princess, Tarzan travels to India where hundreds of wild elephants are in danger. A company is building a hydroelectric dam and the contractors have only a few weeks to finish the job. The building of the dam will flood the valley surrounded by mountains. There is one pass through which the elephant herd can escape but that is being closed. Tarzan comes up against an old nemesis, Bryce, the chief engineer. Bryce undertook a similar dam project in Africa and had a penchant for shooting elephants. It's up to Tarzan to organize the move before Bryce manages to close the pass.



My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Tarzan movie review I write will probably begin with: TARZAN'S GREATEST ADVENTURE (1959) (which, by the way, was also directed by John Guillermin) is THE best Tarzan picture I've seen so far and I doubt any will surpass it.  It's just that good.  INDIA is a distant second but it's a good adventure film that takes advantage of being entirely shot in India and that makes a difference.  Jock Mahoney does a good job as Tarzan.  He's a lot leaner than Gordon Scott (from TGA) but he's a more realistic looking Tarzan and practically a prototype for Ron Ely (my favorite Tarzan) who would star as Tarzan in the awesome TV show in 1966.  This is Mahoney's first of two outings as Tarzan (he later appeared as a different semi-recurring character in the TV series and had previously starred opposite Scott in in TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT (1960)).  There's a good deal of action and the bad guy gets his comeuppance but there is an interesting turn of events with the final antagonist which is as noble as it is unexpected. Nice touch.


This film marks the first appearance of the young boy, Jai, a character that would become a favorite years later in the TV show.  I really liked his and Tarzan's relationship.  The kid does a great job, too (funny how he isn't listed in the IMDb credits and he's got more screen time than anyone except for Tarzan). It reminded me an awful lot of Indy and Short Round from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (1984) to the point that I'm certain that's how Short Round originated.  It's a good picture and one that would be nice to see on the big screen, as would all of the Tarzan films (I'd even watch the so-so ones on the big screen if given the opportunity.)





Jailbait Babysitter (1977)

Director: John Hayes

Writer: John Hayes

Composer: Jaime Mendoza-Nava

Starring: Therese Pare, Roscoe Born, Lydia Wagner, David J. Partington, Billie Mae Richards, John Schmidt, Mariwin Roberts, Leonard Clarke

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Her Friends Call Her Jail Bait...Her Clients Call Her Anytime!

Plot: Vicki is seventeen and her older friends call her Jailbait. Her boyfriend Robert is frustrated because Vicki doesn't want to do the wild thing, but he's willing to wait. After a party gets out of hand, Vicki escapes with the help of Lorraine, who takes her in as a house guest. While Lorraine teaches Vicki etiquette, Robert wonders what happened to his girlfriend. And Vicki soon learns more about Lorraine's job as an "executive liaison."



My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again? Not unless that babysitter shows up at my place with the DVD tucked into her cutoff shorts and halter top.

Man, this is a let down. I thought Lorraine was going to turn Vicki out but no.  Vicki just stays at her place for a while.  She gets to drink and learn the about the finer things.  She allows herself to be at a middle aged man's house who, thinking she's legal, wants to fuck her. When she does he has a non-fatal heart attack and Vicki's old boyfriend shows up when the ambulance is there and she decides to go back to her old life and boyfriend.  There's about 9 more minutes of some shit that goes on at a party and then it's over.




It's very uneventful and nothing like the poster, tagline, etc.  But then that's what exploitation does.  The marketing department did their job.  I'm sure a shitload of drive-in goers left disappointed...that is unless they went with their significant other and everyone left happy having gotten oral or a handy by the time the credits rolled.  I didn't get one, therefore I'm not happy with this picture.

Monday, September 23, 2013

International Gorillay (1990)

Director: Jan Mohammed

Writers: Nasir Adib, Zahoor Ahmed, Sikandar Khanna

Composers: M. Arshad, Manzoor Ashraf

Starring: Afzaal Ahmad, Albela, Ghulam Mohiuddin, Neeli, Mustafa Qureshi, Rangeela, Babra Sharif, Javed Sheikh

More info: IMDb

Plot: The Islamic world is in crisis with the publication of Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses. Rushdie wants Pakistan, the stronghold of Islam, to fall. Determined to foil his plans are a trio of brothers who form a holy army to destroy Rushdie. Rushdie plans to drive the final nails into the coffin of Islam by opening a new chain of Casino's and Disco's spreading contemptable vice and debauchery. Mustafa Qureshi, hen pecked to death by his demented wife, decides to call it a day with his day job at the Police station and induct his unemployed brothers to create a Mujahid (God's soldiers) trio whose sole aim is to seek out and destroy the despised Salman Rushdie before he manages to destory all virtue and decency on the planet.



My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Ugh.  167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.  It's funny, there's a ton of action and it's got Batmen!



That's right, BatMEN, why I don't know, but they show up and leave.  Sure, this SOUNDS like fun and it would be for about a half hour but it's 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.










The action is quick, or rather the editing is lightning fast.  The bad guy is Salman Rushdie, hilarious, looking like Jerry Lewis for some reason.




The songs are fun.





It's a lot like a Bollywood film but the HUGE issue is, besides that it's 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours, is the sound is fucking loud.  This isn't some, "dude, just turn the sound down".  No, it's non-stop loud music, loud explosions, loud everything.  The soundtrack is drowning in noise and it doesn't let up for 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.  It's harsh.  Woof.

For 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours, the Islamic world is doing everything it can to kill Rushdie but it's only in the last 2 minutes that he dies and it happens by?













The Koran flying around shooting lightning bolts at him until he bursts into flames.


There.  I just saved you 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.